The Punisher

Year: 1989
Director: Mark Goldblatt
Writer:Written by Boaz Yankin
Starring: Dolph Lundgren, Louis Gossett Jr and Thousands of Extras Who Die
Details: 92 mins / New World Pictures / Rated R

The first, almost embarrassing thing about The Punisher, is that sinking feeling you’ll get when you realize the movie was released in 1989. Yes. The same year that Batman was released. The (Australian) filmmakers behind this flick should have run far into the outback and buried their heads in the sand when they realized what they were up against.

Frank Castle (Dolph “Wooden” Lundgren) is a cop seeking revenge. His family has been killed by some bad guys (that’s as much as we know) so he runs out looking like the second Leather-Man from the Village People in order to hunt down members of the mob.

Dolph Lundgren is perhaps the worst actor in the history of cinema. The Swedish born strongman acts like he’s made of molasses and looks about as good. I’ve written a lot about drug movies. I’ll have to add The Punisher to that list now. Throughout the film Lundgren looks and acts like he’s taken quite a few rides on the ‘white pony’. He’s skagrific for sure. I don’t know if this is true or not, but he honestly looks like he’s a friend to heroin. His eyes rimmed red, skin pale and waxy in every scene. (Side note: I just read Lundgren’s bio. It says he was awarded a Fulbright scholarship to MIT in chemical engineering. Hey, being smart doesn’t make you a good actor. Sorry Dolph. Ass.)

The movie has a hatred for humanity. Many, many people die violent deaths, all without consequence. I’m all for freedom of speech and art, but The Punisher is the type of movie they mean when those crazed right wing (and left wing, to a certain extent) wackos talk about movies influencing our youth. They have the right to make and release whatever movie they want, but that doesn’t mean any anyone should watch it. Even more strange, you figure that for an action movie with such a violent streak, it would at least have well staged action and fighting. This is not the case. Lundgren lumbers through his fights with the gracefulness of a crippled elephant, pounding and stabbing very, very slowly.

I’m aware that Louis Gossett Jr. is no Lawrence Olivier, but watching Lundgren act against him is like watching Marlon Brando talking to a yam (which, come to think of it, probably isn’t a big stretch.) Lundgren is so wooden, so amazingly morose, that he probably believes the best method of acting is just to sit there and sulk. Maybe he thinks the camera will capture all his wooden nuances and amplify them on the screen or something. Not to harp on this too much, but Dolph has a scene with a little girl who has NO LINES in which he tries to comfort her. I don’t have to tell you who came out on top of the acting heap for that one, do I?

Does it matter what the plot of the movie is? There’s some very stereotyped “Japanese” Yakuza gangsters. How do you know they’re Japanese? Because they practice ninjitsu, wear Kimonos and slather on the Kabuki makeup. Is there a Japanese stage show in this movie I’m not aware of?

The Punisher may also be one of the very few movies that features a homeless British actor character who spends a goodly amount of time speaking in rhymed couplets. It’s idiocy like this that make me wonder how this movie ever got out of the gate. I know my man Stan Lee didn’t have anything to do with this garbage. Complete and utter trash.

Movie Grade: F

Video: 1 out of 5
Continuing the tradition of the hating the audience, the transfer is murky and grainy. In fact, that picture you see to the right is post-PhotoShop. Not that it surprises me or anything.
Widescreen anamorphic - 1.85:1

Audio: 2 out of 5
Again, murky with the treble kicked up way too much. Stupid.
English (Dolby 2.0)

Extras: 1 out of 5
A trailer. And I’m not kidding, this disc features the WORST ANIMATED MENUS I have EVER seen. They’re like something from a circus clown’s fevered opium dreams.

Overall: 1 out of 5 / 5 out of 5
This is a terrible movie and a terrible disc. But it’d be worth the purchase just to see the things I’m complaining about in person. The menus alone are worth a glance. Make it one of the few movies about which you can proudly proclaim - “I bought it from a bin at Wal*Mart.”

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