They

Year: 2002
Written by: Brendan Hood
Directed by: Robert Harmon
Starring: Laura Regan, Marc Blucas and Ethan Embry
Details: 89 mins / Dimension Films/ Rated PG-13

They attack you at night. They haunt your every move. They are very crappy CGI.

Laura Regan plays Julia, a troubled young woman who had night terrors as a child. Now, for no clear reason other than to act as a plot point, shitty CGI monsters have started attacking Julia and her friends who also suffered from night terrors. And yes, that’s it. They battle, they fight, they whine and the movie ends.

Actress Regan is a thin wisp of a woman, a rather strange pick as a leading lady. Not that she’s bad or anything - she does well enough with the material and crap that this movie so happily puts forth. But she’s very much on the thin side. I wouldn’t note it if it wasn’t so distracting. All I was thinking was: shouldn’t she eat a sandwich? Maybe this brings up greater questions than I’m willing to address here. Would I have reacted the same well with a plus-sized actress? I don’t know. Maybe if the film was better I would have ignored it. The narrative was so boring and predictable that I couldn’t help from thinking how much Regan looks like a pale sapling in the Canadian woods.

Please note the title of this movie: Wes Craven Presents: They. This is a fascinating thing to me. Wes Craven didn’t have jack shit to do with this movie, and if he did, he must turn in his horror movie credentials at the nearest crappy movie office immediately.

I must make some comparisons between this film and Darkness Falls.

1. The monsters cannot attack in the light
2. The monsters haunt your dreams
3. They attack for no discernible reason
4. Both movies feature children who are tormented in the beginning of the film, grow up and are tormented as adults.

Unlike Darkness Falls, there’s not even nice cinematography to look out. Truthfully, They looks like a bad episode of some made-for-TV horror anthology. They is the slow cousin of Darkness Falls. Considering Darkness Falls‘ rather low-bred genealogy, that’s saying quite a bit.

They shows some hint of potential with the psychologically-tuned alternate ending included on the DVD. Perhaps if they stuck with this formula throughout the whole film, I wouldn’t have hated this film so much. And do I even have to mention this was filmed in Canada? I thought not. Only evil Canadians could do this to upstanding American movie audiences.

Movie Grade: D

Video: 4 out of 5
Good enough. Blacks are nice and dark - the whole movie is in darkness. Nothing to write home to your mama about.
Widescreen Anamorphic 2.35:1

Audio: 3 out of 5
Not awful, but not as scary as it should be. God. What a bore it is to review a boring movie. I have nothing else to say about the audio because I honestly don’t care.
English (Dolby 5.1)

Extras: 1 out of 5
The only item of note is the aforementioned alternate ending. Add in some trailers (only one for They itself) and you’ve got a big crock of squat.

Overall: 1 out of 5
There’s no reason to rent it, there’s no reason to buy it, but then again, you never listen to me anyway, so what’s the difference? Do whatever you want. It’s certainly not funny enough to watch with pizza and beer. Hell, the thing is so predictable that you know what’s going to happen at every turn.

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