Underworld

Written by: Danny McBride
Directed by: Len Wiseman
Starring: Kate Beckinsale, Scott Speedman, Michael Sheen and Bill Nighy
Details: 121 mins / Screen Gems / Rated R

At first glance, Underworld appears to be the kind of movie that seems to have everything going for it: a stylish look, a story involving vampires fighting werewolves, and Kate Beckinsale in a form fitting leather catsuit. But as you look closer, you find that Underworld falls apart under the weight of its own pretentiousness.

This isn’t helped by a story line that’s inexplicably hard to follow. The facts as I know them: an ancient war is still raging among vampires and Lycans (aka, werewolves). I know this because it was the only piece of dialogue that I could fully follow. But now, the Lycans have shown interest in a human, and want to turn him into some kind of super-beast, but the vampires don’t want them to because… they’re at war with the Lycans. Or something like that. My eyes glazed over just writing that sentence, and to tell you the truth, I had trouble even watching this movie. I attacked it in short half-hour bursts, because it was all that I could stomach.

Vampires have always held a place in our culture’s imagination. The vampire lives forever and Halloween costumes designed on Vampire themes never go out of
style. A lot of Underworld has very sexy costumes that morph traditions and try to create something new. The long, strange history of Vampires is fascinating and terrifying and worth learning more about.

A good part of why this movie is so confusing and hard to take is because every character (including the “bad guys”) looks the same - like Eurotrash. Long hair, pale skin, fashionably scraggly facial hair and nice suits. I honestly didn’t know who was who. Underworld also enforces that most overdone of vampire cliches, the vampire as a lazy and listless, rich Goth-type who just lays about. What a bore that is.

The film is also hindered by a major conceit in the story; that since it’s a tale that takes place during contemporary times, instead of the werewolves and vampires using their natural strength and powers, they just shoot at each other like a bunch of pussies. What’s the fun in having a movie about vampires and werewolves if there’s little chance to see them in action? As it stands now, Underworld is just another clone of The Matrix, and isn’t that a road well traveled now?

It’s not that Underworld is patently bad, it just has so very little to enjoy. It’s pretentious without being campy and even the action scenes aren’t anything to write the Wachowskis about. I thought that Kate Beckinsale would make it worth my while, but I couldn’t keep my eyes open long enough to even find out if she did.

Movie Grade: C-

Video: 4 out of 5
There’s not a single scene that takes place during the day, so you can imagine what this transfer looks like - a lot of blues, grays and blacks.
Widescreen Anamorphic - 2.35:1

Audio: 3 out of 5
The audio is about average for an action movie, so there’s nothing here that’s going to blow your socks off or make you wet your pants. It’s loud, but that doesn’t mean it’s good.
English (Dolby Digital 5.1), French (Dolby Digital 5.1)

Extras: 3 out of 5
The commentary with Wiseman and the co-writers (one being an actor in the film), is fine for what it is: a dull commentary for a dull movie. The commentary with the sound editors, cinematographer and other technical crew is pretty much the same way too. We’ve heard it before. Other than those two things, there are a few featurettes that run a total of about 40 minutes. Of course, nearly 15 minutes of that is due to one of those useless, film-clip heavy making-of documentaries that I hate so much. The other 30 minutes isn’t too bad - it covers things like makeup and practical effects, fight training and stunts, and some home video footage of the crew having a good time. I won’t detail what else is on the disc - just your usual crap music videos and trailers.

Overall: 2.5 out of 5
Underworld was a surprising, dissappointing mess. I thought that vampires were supposed to make you scared, not sleepy.

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