Transformers

Year: 2007
Directed by: Michael Bay
Written by: John Rogers, Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman
Starring: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, and John Turtturo

Although a nerd of the usual variety, I hold no sentimental spot in my heart for Transformers. I loved the toys, watched the cartoon, had my fun and grew up. I wasn’t afraid that Michael Bay was going to “ruin” the film. After all, there’s only so much to ruin of a television show that was created for the sole purpose of selling toys. So too the film: when the first title you see says “Hasbro presents”, you can expect even an enthusiastic crowd to titter at the thought.

No big deal after all. Plot is but mere happenstance in a Michael Bay film; a vehicle by which to carry big action sequences, hot girls and in which dialogue only serves to fill the silence between large explosions.

The plot that does exist finds Sam (Shia LaBeouf) the recipient of a magical car which takes him on adventures, appearing to be possessed by the devil, only to be revealed later to be a, yes, Transformer. The Transformers have come to earth to retrieve the ‘allspark’ - a magic macguffin cube that will turn every mechanical device on earth into a Transformer if the evil Megatron has his way.

And that’s all you need to know.

I knew exactly what I was getting into going to see Transformers. It’s crafted by the feathered hair of demolitions expert Michael Bay, whose love of giant crashes is equaled only to his obsession with beautiful young women too perfect to exist in the real world. The only thing I didn’t know was how big or how or how dumb the action.

The answer? Rather big and rather dumb. But it doesn’t come as much as a surprise. And after all, how cerebral can you get about a movie that promises giant fighting robots from a distant mechanical planet? Talk about suspending your disbelief. Besides Shia LaBeouf’s typically great performance as an uncomfortable teenager, you have to suspend your disbelief at nearly every turn. Suspend, suspend, suspend. Oh let me count the ways you’ll have to ignore that little voice in your head.

Beautifully rendered and amazingly realistic, you’ll have to suspend disbelief when the robots start doing shtick like out of the Keystone cops and telling jokes. It’s strange and rather unnecessary. Shouldn’t they be stoic protectors from beyond? And don’t get me started on the Transformer who apparently only watched BET in the early 90’s and speaks in a jive unseen since the first season of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Also, apparently everyone in America drives a GM. There’s nary a Toyota in sight.

But nothing is more improbable then Mikaela, the character played by 21 year old Megan Fox. She’s straight out of every young male’s fantasy, particularly apt given the target of the film. With intense blue eyes and flowing dark hair, as Mikaela, Megan trots around in belly baring tops, with a mini skirt and a somewhat dull expression that allows you to project whatever sick fantasies that you may have about a high school junior. Sure, she loves jocks, but she might just fall for the big nerd who has giant robots as a friend. Of course. And she knows how to work on cars. And she gives whip smart retorts to robot witticisms and knows how to pout sexily. It’s the typical thing.

And yet despite all this and a running time that exceeds two and a half hours, Transformers proves to be exactly what you need on a hot summer day. Groundbreaking CGI, big battles in the streets, CIA analysts that look like Swedish models, car chases - big, dumb, improbable. Ignore all the plot holes big enough to drive an Autobot through, and have some fun.

Movie Grade: C+