Thursdays at 9pm on ABC.

There's something inherently boring about watching three C-list celebrities give their opinions on anything from talent (Star Search) to beauty. But where American Idol succeeds in this now familiar setup, Are You Hot? fails on every level. Except for that level which allows you to see hotties with bathing suits on.

It's a show whose formula has been ripped straight from the Howard Stern Radio and E! Television shows. Three judges critique a bevy of men and women vying for the title, The Hottest Person in America. As a fan of Stern, maybe I'm not the most unbiased person to write about his genius, but ABC has completely ripped off an original and long running piece on the show, The Evaluators in which three judges pointed out flaws, gave numbered scores to women in order to determine if they were hot enough for the pages of Playboy. If you've seen Are You Hot?, you know that the setup is exactly like this. Shameful. Even down to uber-faded Lorenzo Lamas' laser pointer which he uses to point out flaws.

The Loser Sandwich: Two Slices of Loser Bread, One Amazingly Large Piece of Loser Meat.

The three judges are sickening in their patheticness. Faded beauty Rachael Hunter is the Paula Abdul of this competition, rarely saying anything offensive and making generalized comments about the attractiveness of the contestants. I used to like Rachael Hunter. I really did. Her Sports Illustrated covers were always my favorite. Then she opened her stupid, Rod Stewart marrying Australian mouth. Just shut up and look pretty for the cameras, ok Rach?

Our second celebrity judge is Randolph Duke. You all remember Randolph right? Neither do I. He's apparently "designer to the stars." Whenever somebody is touted as anything "to the stars", take stars to mean "soap actresses" and "faded, coked up B-movie stars." I don't really know what this guy does and I have no intention of researching it. He looks like a slightly more gay version of Christopher Lowell.

Finally there's Lorenzo Lamas, who turns out to be not only the biggest loser on this show, but the biggest loser in the history of television. Here is a man who once rode around, long mane of hair flowing on a motorcycle in a syndicated, never seen action series. That's his big claim to fame. You know Lorenzo loves to gaze at his visage for hours on end, perhaps even when in the throes of self-love. He even struts in the way he talks.

I don't think I would offended any of these pretties (both the judges and contestants) if I was to refer to them as empty headed. In yet another sad turn in our slowly deteriorating society, the bimbos and mimbos seem to wear their stupidity as a badge of honor. They smile, finding it difficult to answer the simplest of questions. This really isn't the best our country has to offer, is it?

The most offensive element of the show isn't anything that the judges say to the contestants - the most offensive thing is that Are You Hot? is bland and boring. Gone are Howard's truthful till it hurts evaluations, now replaced with the meandering comments of a bunch of losers.

The best part of the show? Watching the contestants who were not chosen as "hot" cry and babble to the camera. Last night, a young jocked wept to the camera, "it was really hard" and "it's a bad feeling.....inside!" This empty headed man-whore just brought it all home for me. Our society is crumbling and Are You Hot? is leading the charge. Clearly, Lorenzo Lamas is the anti-Christ. There's no other explanation.

TV Grade: F

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