Mary Kate Spies the Cake

Despite hints to the contrary, "Shape Up" isn't about the Olsen-Twins love of bling, but rather DJ and her love of cake. Or maybe it's about DJ and her love of Kimmy Gibbler. You see, everyone's favorite string-bean and resident female-Eddie-Haskell is throwing a surprise party for herself. It's going to be held at the indoor pool at an exclusive hotel. You know that it's going to be a fancy party because Kimmy comes in the room wearing a fanny pack.

Mary Kate eating her last piece of cake.

DJ is aghast at the suggestion that they go to the pool. She isn't ready to wear a bathing suit in front of all her friends. Whether this is sensible or not is for you to decide, but just to frame DJ's current mental state, she also thinks that Kimmy has "the perfect body." OK, Deej. DJ is so insistent on looking perfect that she cuts out pictures from a publication that I can only determine is a lesbian fetish magazine. The thing is called Femme and has a female bodybuilder on the cover. This is what DJ wants to look like. Apparently she's very in touch with the San Francisco gay community.

As Stamos and his future wife test out different cakes, he informs the family of the fact that the cake is free for anyone to take. Needless to say, in her hunger, young Mary Kate* spies the available cake. Her eyes widen in amazement at the caloric feast at her feet. If only she knew just how precious those calories would be in a few years time. She attacks the cake with the ferocity of a former child star attacking a line of coke. Everyone laughs at this future billionaire's antics.

DJ and the Ice Pop

Despite the opportunity, DJ doesn't choose to feed at the trough with Michelle, instead feasting on an "ice pop" that she had so conveniently prepared ahead of time. Later, it's weigh-in time where Stephanie plays her recorder off-key. DJ still hasn't lost any weight. Uncle Jessie comes in to comfort her, suggests that she go to the gym, and then proceeds to shoot a piece of gum out of the recorder which then hits Mark Kate in the forehead. Despite every instinct to eat the gum, she resists.

Before they go to the gym, the family suggests that DJ eats a sandwich. She proceeds to hide the thing, then give it to her dog Comet, much to Stephanie's spy-worthy surprise. She tells Comet that he's "lucky that dogs don't need to wear bathing suits." She forgets to mention the unlucky castration part that dogs must endure, though. DJ makes Stephanie promise that she won't tell anyone her secret via legally-binding pinky swear. Instead of blackmailing DJ like any normal sibling, Stephanie just goes along with the whole thing. Apparently Stephanie is the WD-40 of the Tanner Family.

Mary Kate Resists Temptation

DJ weighs herself again, and decides to work her ass on the step machine. Stephanie finds her and pleads to go join the aerobic class. DJ won't have a problem taking a class with a bunch of statuesque models with big breasts, Steph. Nope. Not at all. Perhaps it's because she's just woozy at the sight of all the steroid pumped pecs, or maybe it's because she hasn't eaten in three days, but DJ falls to the ground in a feinted, dramatic manner.

The Ridding of the Sandwich

Good God!

DJ picks up the lesbian magazine and points fervently at its pages, "show me one girl in here with this round face and these Charlie Brown cheeks." Now, I understand the round face thing, but Charlie Brown didn't really have cheeks, did he? He had this giant melon head upon a flimsy frame; I think DJ should consider herself lucky to look as she does.

With a small bit of encouragement, Bob Saget convinces DJ that she's just dandy. In very sitcom fashion, the disease is dissolved and all is right in the Tanner household. But not before DJ gets the final word, "Is dinner ready?" But this phrase glosses over much subtext, mainly the "I'm fucking hungry" part and perhaps more importantly, "what the hell are we going to do about Mary Kate?"

TV Grade: Hungry

*Look, I know that the part was played by the Olsen twins, but it's just much funnier to make food jokes about Mary Kate.

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